Tug-of-War

You get into a push and pull situation wondering where’d you end up. You contemplate sometimes for a while or you don’t think twice. There’s temptation to move to one side and then there’s the other side that makes you suppress. It’s bad and good, it’s a risk and discovery as oppose to stagnancy and obliviousness.

There’s a price you pay especially for one of the choices. Choose carefully

A mentor?

Before I met Mr. Raja to speak to him for the first time, I found out he used to refer to me as that ‘thin and tall girl’. My colleague who was a legal personnel resigned and because the company required us to multi-task, her scope of work was passed on to me. She graduated in Legal studies while I, in comparison only studied 4 semesters of corporate law under my course. We cited pretty lame 18th century cases to reason out legal scenarios in exams.

I recall Mr. Raja telling me “If you choose to learn, you can learn a lot from me and if you don’t want to put any effort, I will give your job scope to someone else”… *gulp*, what’s with the unnecessary straight forward remark? He doesn’t know me at all and plus it was not like I was dying for another job scope since I am already reporting to 2 bosses and now him? Well, whatever I thought.

Then he goes into briefing me on a bunch of legal cases to clean up that was left unattended for some time and I was dreading having to work on it as I was at that time heavily engaged with some other tasks that was urgent. Since I didn’t have time, I kind of avoided him for a few days til I had no choice but to see him hardly prepared. Obviously he was annoyed and I thought alright, by hook or by crook I have to get his work done because “if your work is not done then I am not on top of it and it makes me nervous”. I finally completed it to the way he wanted it after a few revision and he was pleased. It was only then, he warmed up and our work discussion would go into some other topics and occasionally he would offer advices. Being in his 60s, I knew and was told that he had vast experience.

At times, during discussions he would be busy typing out an email and you can catch him scolding his PC for not working the way he wants it to work. Then he goes “Ahhh… Now it’s listening to me after I scolded it”. And if he corrects my drafted letter, he would go like “Tell me what’s so great about their offer (of settlement) that you had to put a capital ‘O’?” (Sometimes the ‘offer’ would have to be with a capital ‘O’ depending on the meaning of the sentence but in this case I got it wrong). I would leave his room amused at his remarks even though he nit picked on my work.

Recently during one of our discussion, I enquired further about his career and found out that he was a former Industrial Court Chairman and judge. I felt like a fool for not knowing earlier and wondered why my ex-colleague left out that piece of information or did she even know? He shared his story…

He loved his job with a passion. He spoke about the start of his career, his studies, the people he knew and met. Being a minority race, he went through discrimination where he could not get to a certain post as they had to award it to a Bumiputera person. When he finally became the Chairman and judge of the industrial court, he had to accept a 70% pay cut but he accepted it because he told me simply, “It was my passion”. He enjoyed writing judgments so much that he forgot to have his dinner at times.

What he loved had its down side. His family hated his job because the reporters would pick up news over small things with an “it was believed that so and so is the son-in-law to a well known judge” and he also became a recluse as the profession did require certain code of conduct and people do keep a distance when you are a judge. But he didn’t mind it.

At the end he said “There’s so much I can peak and there will be a point it’s time you go down, I cannot go on peaking. But today, judges in Sri Lanka and Singapore do use my judgment and awards as a citation”. He chose to retire from the post and the job he loved so much at his prime. I admired his dedication and sincerity towards his work. Even though he is relatively new, he has made obvious and positive changes for the company. MD once said at a staff briefing, “Don’t go to Mr. Raja for this and that… he is nice but I’m not”. I guess Mr. Raja, is always for the employees and our MD will continue to be a tough man.

Mr. Raja allowed me to read his only copy of carefully compiled newspaper articles on his judgments and awards. His explanation made a lot of sense and I told him what I thought and he excitedly offered to let me read his awards next week. I guess the former Yang-Arif has a lot to be proud of but yet he is so humble and sincere. It’s definitely a person to look up to and learn as much as you can. I’m privileged…

Teoh haunts Plaza Masalam… literally

In Malaysia Today, there was a headline saying “Teoh haunts Plaza Masalam… literally”

Three guards of the building shared their encounter on their experience of ‘bumping’ into TBH’s spirit. Plaza Masalam is pretty close to home and my friends and I lepak pretty a lot at that area to yum cha and catch up.

I still can’t accept although I’m already immune to it, that I live in a country so corrupt and sinful. I choose not to compare to other worst countries because a country is its own entity and why worry too much about other country when we have too much to think of our own?

Here in Bolehland, the top dudes literally get away with murder. They are like cats covering up their poo after they have done their big business. They later get an expert of PR team to come up with ideologies to sway the people so that they forget. We’re living in a system where rules can be bent and the rules extra persecute those whoever they choose to. “Look here, I’m gonna throw you in jail, I’ll explain later”, probably is what the top police would tell.

Yeah, so, according to the basic legal theory… One is innocent until proven guilty. But here, basic human rights can be ignored that they close both eyes and not one. It’s selective.

I love my country but not the government, not the system. I love the culture, the food and the history. If our fore fathers who fought hard for our country are looking at the condition of Bolehland, they definitely would be turning in their graves. Their legacy have been insulted, their sweat and tears fighting so hard had been taken for granted so easily. Why not just spit on their graves?

Every White Will Have Its Black

When we’re hit with depression, it’s never easy to come out of it. It’s like a dark place and we feel like no one understands. We spend time alone agonizing over unexplained details and try to comprehend the outcome. For me, I would throw myself into work and leave the office close to midnight just to tire myself to glory so that it’s easier to fall asleep. We have our ways of coping with depression. Sometimes, we even wish we did not have to wake up from a struggle to slumber just so we don’t have to feel the ache of reality.

But a fact is a fact. Life has to go on, you have no choice! It’s harsh but reality can be harsh at times. I personally feel it’s good to keep yourself busy with activities. Take up a new hobby or find a new interest and try something new. You never know you might turn out to be good in those stuff and find passion in it. Then you have things to look forward to. Keep your friends close to you, they will definitely help in some ways cos they would hate to see you go through pain.

Never wallow in self pity. Cry if you need to as it’s one of the avenues but be reminded that it’s a phase and it can’t go on. Another thing I wouldn’t do is to listen to sad songs. Then again, even when I’m happy I hated listening to sad songs. Sad songs most of the time have sad tone to it, it affects ones mood. I try and listen to happy songs or whatever song as long as it’s not a sad one or a slow number. Oh yes, I don’t watch sad movies too. At least not during those times and in normal days, it would depend on the plot. Comedies probably would help a lot as laughter is the best medicine.

Keep a close relationship with God. It’s so important. He doesn’t judge and speaking to him somehow helps. He’s a father, friend and brother and should not be forgotten in good times and in bad. During the good times, it’s important to thank Him for the blessings we have. I don’t have a lot of things but what I know is I’m blessed and during those sad times, I somehow still feel lucky cos I have so much compared to others. What about the people who are truly suffering and can’t do anything about it because it is beyond their control. When I look at it, I just tell myself I can’t complain much.

Be aware that at your lowest, you are also vulnerable and are prone to making bad decisions. I might sound paranoid but people do often make mistakes at these times and I have fallen prey to it. If we are aware that our state of mind can contribute to more problems then we are one step ahead of avoiding it. Surround yourself with the people who care most for you as they can help be your mind for a while when your own one fails on you. The mind is like a machine that can fail…

If it doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger. It’s true! Coping with sadness is easier said than done and I’m still young to say too much cos I will have more good and bad in time to come. But I dare say, whatever bad that has happened has made me wiser and stronger in person. You will come to a point where you view your past as a 3rd party to the whole situation and sometimes it only strikes you much later but it’s always a learning experience. You tend to laugh at the idiot you were or curse at person you were.

Love yourself before you can love others but don’t be in love with yourself. Love is the most basic need any human would long for and what a better way to start by loving yourself? It’s not selfish to love yourself first and it’s not easy to love yourself as much as you should because we can be our biggest enemy.

Last but not least… have confidence in yourself. No one I knew died of heartache and if you ask around, no one went through life without heartache and depression. Time will heal, the wound will close its gap and the scars are lessons we can learn from.

Choose Your Words Wisely...

Among my friends, we have a fascination for sasuls for the longest time. If you don’t already know, sasul or sasau is mispronouncing (or mis-sentencing) your sentence or words. For example, today we were watching a game of football while at TGIF and I meant to ask a friend which football team he supported and what had to come out?.. “Hey, which balls do you support?” He responded, “The left one”. Haha, I wished I could turn back time sometimes…

Anyway, we have a blast keeping record of it and bringing it up later so it might come back to haunt me. But, the champ would go to a certain chap which I should not mention names for fear of a defamation suit (or he might get back at me with a youtube video). Just some examples by him:

The slope is so stiff (wait, did he meant steep and not stiff?)

Handcuffs are sharp, it can cut your cuffs (in this case the cuffs is supposed to be wrist)

You can just crumple the Marie biscuit (how could you crumple biscuits right? ahahahaha)

Make or die, do or break (correction… Make or break, Do or die)

How much is a blueberry (How could he get this so wrong when he meant to say Blackberry – as in the smart phone)

These are just some that I can remember of… And these are just some other random ones I’ve come across:

Like that lah huh… You come back from London, don’t know how to ask how I me?

It was a sperm of the moment (hahahaha)

We should go watch Lord of the Rings, The tu tua (The Two Towers actually)

At a prayer session in a home while reading the 3rd Sorrowful Mystery of the Rosary - "....They then pulled his bird (meant to be beard) and spat upon him" (Blasphemous if it was not a sasul. Worst thing was, it was accompanied by a fart from her son. We had to try REALLY hard not to laugh because it was a prayer session but we were trembling in silent laughter and covering our faces with the books we had).

I promise to be true to you in good times and in bed (while exchanging wedding vows in the church… Then you hear snickering and you just don’t want to look at your friends)

On the way for a night of clubbing and a friend excitedly goes like "Come on people, let's freakin' boogerrrrr...!" (It's supposed to be boogey and according to an online dictionary booger simply means a piece of dried mucus in or from the nose).

One more sasul before I’m done. I have a friend named Eifel who got married to Susan. Anyway, during the reception, someone from his church went up the stage to say a short prayer before we ate. He started out well and then it got to mentioning the newly married couple in his prayer and it went like, “…. May the Lord bless Eifel and Tower (Susan, remember?) in their marriage…” Worst thing is he mentioned their names a few times and Susan became Tower throughout. Again, it was pretty difficult not to LOL.

Eifel and Tower are happily married with 2 kids… Sorry Susan!

Fade Away

When silence speaks, will we listen?
Will we pretend it was a whisper?
If blindness sees, would it be disappointed?
To have gained sight, it lost some
And when deafness is no more, would it shut its ear?
To mute the unknown for so long

For What?

There are some things that are worth fighting for but when do we realize to stop? It’s too vague most of the time and it has transparent boundaries. It’s hard to see, it’s hard to judge, it’s difficult to comprehend even.

Too little for too much? Not worth it…

Thou Shall Not...

Dad made some noise about me cutting my finger nails at night. He heard the click of the nail cutter from my room which I had shut the door. You know it’s almost like I do not have a choice. How could I be cutting nails during working hours or even lunch time? It so happens I realize I need to cut my nails on a weekday.

I don’t buy most pantangs and it started for reasons applicable maybe during when JWW Birch was alive. You might end up cutting your flesh in the dark and so they created a pantang to avoid such mishaps. What else? Anak dara’s are not allowed to sing in the kitchen cos they will end up marrying an old man. At least you could still sing in the shower, as far as I know. However, I would abide to one pantang in particular…

After Timmy got involved with an accident, we had a party at his home and he required the assistance of crutches. Lyn and I were curious about how it felt like walking with crutches and so we played with it. The rest we’re freaking out about a so call pantang that says you should not play with crutches. Honestly, I didn’t know such thing existed and anyway what’s the big deal? We were playing with it for a very very short while.

The next weekend, we had a netball tournament and Lyn and I were in the same team, Team Bumble Bee. We were in the Youth Ministry back then and we organised a friendly match comprising of guys and girls per team. It was supposed to be a FRIENDLY match but I guess when you play with guys, they think they are in a football match and they’re not used to the 3 feet-distance contact that we have been trained for. My position as Goal Defence (GD) required me to guard the Goal Attacker (GA) which happened to be a former school footballer, just my luck! At the end, I don’t know how Lyn ended up injuring herself cos I was busy sitting at the bench trying to figure out why my toe was pointing upwards.

After an x-ray, I ended up with a dislocated toe with injuries to the tissue and my once injured ankle started to swell again. It does not help when you follow Grey’s Anatomy and have seen Dr. Callie Torres place back bones into its place. Yup, it’s painful! So, after my ordeal, I checked on Lyn who ended up tearing some ankle tissue and guess what? We were both advised to use crutches. Naturally, my mind went back to the night we were goofing around with crutches.

Even with pain killers, I couldn’t sleep as I tossed and turned trying to fall sleep while my whole foot throbbed in pain and then to top it off, as I was making my way to the loo in the dark, I kicked on a hard suitcase. Ironically, it was Lyn’s suitcase. I cursed… And then of course the “I told you so” came and going to office required me to walk about 200 metres from the car park and up flights of staircase. The building is not handicap friendly with lifts.

It is not the worst pain I’ve been through but it was still painful. So, as much as I don’t give 2 hoots about most pantangs, I will not take any chances with crutches which means I will still be cutting my nails at night and I will still sing in the kitchen. I will however not scream in the jungle or flash lights onto trees at night and I will still knock on my hotel room before I enter… I’m choosy.

Voice Within

Women are gifted with intuition and I have reasons to say this… So, ladies, if you feel that your gut feeling is telling you something, trust it but there’s a fine line between paranoia and intuition. It’s human to be paranoid but it’s woman to be intuitive…

But then you have denial… Well, that’s when the 'senses' come in. Look around and you’ll have eyes, ears and nose that will help. They are called friends!

Winds of Change

I went downstairs for a breather… Needed a break as I was starting to get really irritated from the continuous phone calls from colleagues, bosses and auditors adding more to work. It’s not easy juggling work from the 3 bosses I have who are divisional heads of Legal, Corporate Affairs and Finance (pretty different things). I wished it was men fighting for my time rather then bosses fighting for my time to get their work done.

As I took my break, I thought back of the times when I used to work at the Corporate Office where the employees were all women except the Directors of course. There were only 20 of us based there. You would think having relatively so many women in an office, the level of bitchiness was at its top notch. Yes, it was at times. The funny thing is we would fight over work and when it came to lunch, we would all together have our lunch at our little pantry, shared our food and chit chat about everything except work. The topic would range from politics to entertainment and sometimes sex (trust me, it can get pretty juicy).

I remember at one time, I was looking for a file under my table and one of my colleagues came to my desk and said not very nice things. It pissed me off and as I got up to give her a piece of my mind, I hit my head so hard from underneath the desk, I scrapped the idea. I guess sometimes, things do happen for a reason and in this case, it kind of gave me time to cool down. Next thing, we were having lunch together as always, chit chatting.

Another, was when our Directors informed my department on a Thursday that the company was to have a signing ceremony with our business partner on the coming Monday in the presence of the then Prime Minister Pak Lah, Transport Minister and a bunch of VIPs. Such little time and it was approaching weekend! I remember looking at my boss’ pale face and I think I went pale myself. When there’s a bunch of VIP, it becomes more rigid, more petty and more everything. We had to call every hotel in Putrajaya and beg them for a venue. I remember still being in the office at 11pm, fighting back tears with the amount of work and being down with a fever and flu. In the end of the day, the bunch of us who worked our ass off and had dark circles around our eyes felt privileged to be part of the ceremony but were still pissed with the Directors for putting us through hell.

I miss those times a lot and how the housekeeping lady always asked me if I had my breakfast every morning, without fail. She was so motherly and she genuinely cared if I have filled my stomach. It’s been 6 years + working in the company. A lot has changed especially after we were plagued by an accounting scandal. At one point, we were dubbed as the darling of share markets and then the headlines went to “…… Falls from Grace”. Being in the Corporate Office, I got to witness a lot of things during the scandal and some of my colleagues shed tears over it. I work with people who have served long in the company and even now the company comprises of long serving staff.

It got really depressing at one point but I guess, it is up to us to adapt to changes and to expect it. I’ve learned too and saw that greed can destroy not only one person but a whole company. To build it up back, it’s never easy. It comes back to haunt after years.

I will move on one day, maybe even to a different industry but not just yet. I still love my job, not all the time but most of the time.

Hoping things get better…

This Is It But Not The End

“I think MJ will be turning in his grave”, I said to my friend. It was our second attempt of watching This Is It and we were both late when we finally met outside the cinema. Don’t get me started on what happened to the first attempt. Basically, we didn’t manage to catch it despite having tickets.

I have been an MJ fan since I laid eyes on him. When he passed away, mum woke me up from sleep to tell me. I was glued to the TV when I realised I was gonna be late for work. I drove back home for lunch to catch more on the news of his death and also reading the news online. We watched him being sent away as a family and there were parts where we all went silent not looking at each other. I know when that happens, it only means that we’re trying to keep our composure. When the bishop uttered the final prayers, we held hands and prayed together.

Despite the accusations pointed at him, I always felt that the biggest mistake he made was to put himself in a vulnerable position where people were able to easily accuse him for their own personal gain. We will never know what took place except for him and the so called victims and if it was all true. What made me sad was feeling that he died a sad man. He may be happy but I would guess he was sad most of the time. The world mourned like they’ve never mourned before…

Watching Michael Jackson’s This Is It, I understood what made him this successful surpassing the test of time. He was such a detailed person, he knew what he wanted, he had a whole vision of how it was supposed to turn out. A true perfectionist, I must say. A trait that definitely made him go this far. He knew how to speak to people when he had to correct them, he was very polite. Inspiring! Along the way, you will see that he was also child like. At times, viewers just went silent when they saw him struggle at some parts and I kept noticing how thin his legs were. He looked bad but that doesn’t mean he was not a star. He was a star in his own right… No one could take it from him, he owned it.

MJ would definitely hate the idea that we’re watching a raw part of the production of This Is It but it was spectacular getting to know the star rather than see him only in the spotlight where everything was perfect. The imperfectly beautiful at times can be more beautiful, I now believe. The world will always remember him for being the most talented person in the entertainment history and the future generation will know him because we will speak about him and still listen to his music.

May his soul rest in peace and may he find the happiness he deserves…

Had I Known, How To Save a Life

I recently yearned for a hug. A nice warm sincere hug that would speak for itself and I got it... I got it in the form of words. I never realised that a hug could be given with words. It made me feel so much better.

I am learning and when I fall, I feel like crap. I am my worst enemy and sometimes I need a hand that I can grip tight to pull me up. I've learned that the unspoken can be toxic and it would eventually build up and weaken you. It's dangerous when you are unaware of what it's doing to you.

And now, I am suddenly reminded of the song 'How to Save a Life' by the Fray. It was inspired with a story of a young man telling the writer of his problems. Not knowing how to help this young man, the writer wished he had a manual to help this young man.

I guess I would start with a hug... Having said what I've said, I am still happy and I feel blessed.

What The Hell Are You Waiting For?

I am convincing myself that the only way to come to terms with certain things is to force myself to move forward and not look back. It’s been my nature that once I move ahead, I don’t look back but I take time because I want to be sure before I decide… We sometimes come face to face with 1 chance but it could turn out to all sorts of possibility and sometimes it stretches beyond you can imagine. It’s funny sometimes…

To life… The ups and downs, the unpredictability, the rare occasions, the love and joy it brings, the heartache and tears and the however you want to define it…

So, wake up and come to life and of course smell the coffee

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years". - Abraham Lincoln

Spicy...

I recently went on a trip to Phuket with 9 friends and part of the itinerary was to experience the A-gogo show or more famously known as the Tiger Show (Thai Girl show). For some of us on the trip, it was our first to Phuket and we only heard stories about the show.

On the last night, we made a trip to Bangla Road where many clubs host these shows. As we walked, numerous salesperson approached us to come to their club for the show but I had a specific club in mind as it was recommended by a friend. We walked along and I spotted the sign board I was looking for that says 'Spicy'. I informed my friends and one of the salesperson heard me and straight away approached me. The offer was 500 Baht (RM 50) per person just to get into the club but I managed to bring it down to 300 Baht (RM30) per person inclusive of a bottle of beer and everyone agreed to the price.

Me leading the way, we entered the club which immediately I heard a balloon popped and a scrawny not very young girl was lying down. So I guessed she must have been the stuntwoman performing the tricks. We just missed it! I looked around and there were Farangs (whites known by the Thais) all around hooting. We took our seats not too close even though it was pretty close. I think we didn't wanna look like total perverts. So the girls clad in their panties but topless were dancing at each station of their pole. When the song changed, they moved to the next pole. They all looked like they couldn't care less what they were doing except for one and she was clearly a transvestite. She was hot and had charisma compared to the rest. She did some upside down stunts on the pole which I wished I could do. Then they all stopped and came around asking for tips.

A slow music then played, it was I Can Love You Like That by All-4-One and 3 girls came out in their bra and panties one after another , stripped each other off totally and lied down on each other and licking each other. It continued til the next song Because of You by Kelly Clarkson ended. It was kind of disgusting seeing such and the Farangs hooting to it. In fact I was yawning and had to close my face cos I didn't want them to see me falling asleep. My friend Suresh, after some time didnt bother looking at all. I looked at my friends, some looked like they were gonna fall asleep and some had tears in their eyes from yawning too much.

I was starting to regret it when the stuntwoman came out. First of all, she has no make up on, secondly, her bra and panties did not match and thirdly her hair was pulled up like when we girls want to take a shower where we clip up our hair and put on a hairband. Obviously, she doesn't give a damn at what she does (not surprising). Then my friends told me that she was the same girl they saw at their last trip when they went to 2 different clubs. Apparently, this woman does the stunt at all the clubs. She makes her rounds and has her slot at each club.

She started of by shooting darts from her va-jay-jay (thereafter known as V - can't bear typing out the word all the time) at 4 corners of the stage and I saw some of my friends jaw dropped. I had to ask them to close their mouth. The next was the whistle blowing where she inserts the whistle into her V and 'blows' it in rhythm to the music played. We snickered cos it was hilarious to watch as she bent down and did it. I was quite disgusted at this point. Next thing, she takes out a glass Coke bottle filled with water, lies down and filling up her insides through her V with water and we could see the water going in and then she stands and squirts out Coke. I guess she inserted colouring or something somewhere, gosh...

By this time, I had so many thoughts like... does she even menstruate? Or had she taken care of it surgically, perhaps? And another thought... Does she find sex pleasurable given the fact that her intimate part has been obviously overworked with such stunts and of course, does she have a sucessor? haha... The next thing involves a ping pong ball stunt, basically inserting the ping pong ball and letting it dropped on top of the head of the glass coke bottle at perfect aim. Who said only men could aim huh? We then left the club, not wanting to see the rest which I saw on the catalogue would involve cigarettes, cat fish (eeeewwww) etc. It was a whole list of stunt which would make viewers stay back and buy drinks after another. Ok, maybe not us... Of all things we went for on the trip, this was the worst and I didn't know if the horrible boat ride we had was worst than this.

Yes, I went for the show and now I complain but I guess I wanted to see things for myself and now I know that I do not want to watch it again. The girls were brave but I felt really sorry for them cos they were treated like the food you get from the pasar malam where people shout out to get attention and sell their stock off. At least in pasar malam, you followed a pricing and you don't bargain unlike this. It's sad that such a cultured country where I find the people really polite and warm is swarmed by vices so out in the open.

Some of those girls were probably mothers desperate to put food on the table. I can't imagine so many girls wanting to get attention and they just decide to take such job. I guess poverty does push you into such height of desperation that you're willing to bear so much distastefully. Thailand is our neighbouring country but I can see that Malaysia is so much more blessed economically and politically. We should be thankful but never stop to strive and ask for better.

Ikan Bilis, Ikan Bawal, Ikan Jerung...

I believe opposites attract... Haha, why the sudden outburst, right? I had a long chat with a friend of mine and he was like "You had the chance with so and so and what happened, you should have, you both are so similar..." bla bla bla...

Yes, I let a good fish pass sometime back and I can never bait the same fish again cos he's getting married pretty soon. There's this particular chap, we had a lot in common and I guess we spoke the same language. He can come off like a total jerk when he talks to me from an outsider's point of view but I know him enough to know that it's all harmless and he is just being himself (A jerk yet a sweet and honest one).

Anyway, he worked overseas and I had my life here. Along the way, there was sort of a proposal to try and work things out and take it to another level but I had my life here and I did not want someone to give up his life at somewhere better so I passed the chance. I guess I just felt I was being realistic and long distance relationship was not for me. I know myself enough, it's not like I was going to cheat (I've never cheated) but I can't use the cyber world for something like this.

Now, on the other hand after hearing my friend's reasoning of why I should have been with him, I thought, would I want to be with someone very similar to me? It would be nice of course to have some common interest but not too much. It's like dating yourself... Eeewww!!! Hahaha, OK lah, I'm not that bad. I believe I am dateable and I am always ready to give and take.

Another thought that came to me is that, you end up being who you are today because of the mistakes and the lessons learned out of it. I have made mistakes, some I wished I could undo it and erased it out of my mind. But I guess at times, you have to learn to let go of some defenses you put along the way and not be overly cautious. Like, it freaks me out when a guy does certain things and I start stereotyping, it's bad...

I learned from those mistakes but I can't seem to let go certain things. I forgave but I am reminded of certain things sometimes. I need to let my guard down, so I've been told...

White Lies, My Ass!

I slammed down the phone on my friend. Poor guy, I'm feeling a little bad. I'll call him back of course. Then he'll say I'm mean and bla bla bla and I'll give him a lecture about how friends should not be compensated for the time when you're not with your boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm not asking that we hang out all the time and I don't mind having the partner around but I guess I just feel that friendship should be valued. I only met him once after he got together with his girlfriend and it was a secret even, she didn't know.

He is a very nice guy, mouth of a laser and I'll give him kudos for his honesty but he can't seem to be honest with his girlfriend. He can't tell her that he and I met for a drink cos she will have a jealous fit. She checks his phone logs and I'm sure she hates my guts. We used to chat a lot over the phone and it stopped when he went back to her AGAIN. If he calls, it's during office hours and then he erases the phone logs. In fact I am a guy in his phone book, it's pathetic. Like I said, he is honest enough to tell me even though he knows it's like digging his grave.

I guess I am in a position to actually complain on this cos I never had to deal with it simply because I guess I just would not tolerate such practice where one have to 'coverline' to 'jaga hati'. How long can you go on doing that?

Guys, don't be ball-less... It's such a turn off when you can't stand up for yourselves. Your a man for heaven's sake, the future head of the family or already head of the family. Do your part, grow some balls!

Ladies, if your guy can't be honest with you then I guess you have yourself to blame. Don't blame it on insecurity and if he is the type that you think can't be faithful then what the hell are you doing with him?

One Now, One Nescafe...

For some unknown reason and I guess I was in a random thinking mode, I questioned the relationship between coffee and sex. You see I used to be a an active member of an online flirt session (as pathetic as it sounds but you do get thrills out of it - in my defense) and I just went into it after a long time just to check out the market, so there were responses. Some of the men are pretty nice and some are just obviously horny. I play along sometimes and the horny ones will eventually ask you out for coffee (if they're Malaysians). This is not the first time it has happened but I never accepted those invitations, of course. Like I said, it's only for thrills to feed ones boredom. So, I googled searching for a reliable source of the relationship between coffee and sex and I got this headline under BBC:

Coffee 'boosts female sex drive'

It's not only BBC but some other articles also do carry similar opinions. Ironically, I'm drinking coffee at the moment... *wink*

Horrorfying

I had a weird encounter with my subconcious mind...

I was woken up by god knows who telling me to get ready for my big day, I was supposed to get married! Huh? So there I was getting ready and someone put on an ugly pink shade of saree on me... Saree? Pink? I don't wear pink! Anyway, in my dream I had a body to die for that I fitted so well in that ugly saree with gold trimmings... I was voluptuous in my dream (Couldn't miss out on that detail).

The next thing I knew, my dad did up my hair... Weird but dad was a former hair stylist when he was a bachelor. Then I was waiting for my make up artist to arrive and my sis told me I was supposed to do it on my own... OK, I was getting tired of all the fuss with getting ready for my wedding. Everyone was rushing me, I felt like I was suffocating in all the fuss.

Before I could start on my make up, it suddenly occured to me, "Who the hell am I marrying?"

You would think I had an idea of who I was gonna get married to but I didn't. So instead of asking someone which I thought would be weird, I saw a copy of the wedding invitation on my dressing table. I opened it and gasped... "Oh my God!" I thought to myself, how the hell do I get out of this? I was supposed to marry my 13 year old crush. I know him well enough now to know that I do not want to marry him. We used to like each other but nothing came out of it and 13 years later, we're getting married? I don't wanna marry him... I thought of all the bad things that would happened if I married him. I panicked!

I started having the cold feet and was about to approach my mum to tell her the whole idea is ridiculous and I didn't know how the hell I ended up doing this and I would still pay for the cost of the wedding but I am not getting married. Then suddenly the alarm rang. I opened my eyes and saw sunlight and breathed a huge sigh of relief... I was sweating even. I don't know how to categorize this dream. Science fiction? Drama? Comedy or perhaps Horror...

In all the weirdness of this, I have in the past had other weird dreams which when I woke up I wondered what it meant. I always felt that those dreams were strong enough to represent something significant in my life and I relied on a dream dictionary to find out and it was true to what I was going through at that time. So, I went to a dream dictionary site to check out on 'marriage/wedding' and here it goes:

Marriage
To see a marriage in your dream, signifies commitment, harmony or transition. You will undergo an important developmental transitional phase. It may also represent the unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself. In particular, it may represent the union of masculine or feminine aspects of yourself. To dream of a proposal of marriage, suggests that some situation will take a turn for the worse. To dream that you are getting married to your ex, suggests that you have accepted aspects of that relationship and learned from those past mistakes. Alternatively, it means that a current relationship shares some commonality with your previous relationship with your ex. However, you will not make those same mistakes.*Please see also Wedding.

Wedding
To dream of a wedding indicates your life is about to change. An aspect of your waking life is ending, but another is about to begin. In many cases, you may feel negatively about the wedding you see in your dreams. This is typically meant to bring to mind a fear or anxiety from your waking life. You may have some feelings of sorrow or it may indicate a loved one will soon pass on. Conversely, it may indicate a fear of commitment. Consider your relationships; are you getting ready to take one to the "next level?" Are you scared to do so?If you dream of remarrying your husband or wife symbolizes your strong love and faith to each other. Marriage has suited you well. Your marriage may be about to change as well. Are you considering starting a family?If you are dreaming of planning your wedding, but have never met your future spouse, it is an indication that you have found harmony and balance between your feminine and masculine sides. Conversely, you may be struggling from a lack of balance between your more instinctive side and your softer emotional nature..

I don't know... It's weird... and terrifying!

Insomniac

I had a sleep deprived week and every morning it kills to wake up to the sound of the alarm that's snoozed again and again til I have no choice but to wake up and rush to work. It's been a routine for some time. So on weekends I allow myself to sleep a little longer but not til it reaches afternoon.

This time, since I'm sleeping on a Saturday and will be waking up on a Saturday, I decided not to set the alarm because of the accumulated hours of lack of sleep for the whole week. I locked the room door and forgot to unlock it before I slept. I woke up and it was 10 something... A bit to early so i dozed off again frustrated at the lack of sleep and the next thing I know, there was loud continuous banging on the door. I rushed to open it realizing it was locked and there they were, my parents looking worried in front of my room door. They must have thought something bad happened by looking at their faces.

I looked at the time, it was reaching 3pm, no wonder they were worried! It was unlike me to wake up at that time even if I drank a lot the night before. I have a reputation of 'tidur mati' so I hoped they understood. I washed up and my mum was like "Are you OK, why do you look so pale?" I just told her I'm fine but I was still so tired that the moment they went out I went back to sleep again this time being careful to set the alarm and ensuring it was PM and not AM. If I got that wrong, I'm capable of sleeping another full whole day.

Fully awake now, mind is activated. Like I always say, I function best at night...

She Says Hello...

There are certain things when said it cuts deep and it scars, it cannot be taken back. Only the person closest to you is able to hurt you that much. Even if the person apologizes and we give him the benefit of the doubt that he does mean it whole heartedly, the damage is done. However, what consoles is knowing that you can never go through life without hurting or getting hurt. Simple as that. We get bitten and clawed badly but we have also done the same to others. I admit, I have...

When I was younger and in my rebellious state of mind, it was easy to lash out and not think before I said things. I don't do it all the time but when tested, I did not hesitate to speak my mind be it to family or friends. I've mellowed down since to learn and be more accepting of others opinion whether it's nice to hear or not and I've learned to speak my mind in a better approach. I'm not always successful to the change but I'm better than before and hope to be better.

I've learned that by being more passive towards angry confrontations, it did hurt more to listen to it but at the end of the day, I don't feel like I'm at the losing end. For some reason, the other person would come back and apologize or do something that you know they're sorry. For the people who especially find it hard to say sorry, I've been surprised with apologies by them and in recent days, I had a particular experience.

I felt bad because I wondered why did the person had to lash out at me in such a way over minor matters. I had mixed feelings over the incident for days and it was resolved over a heart felt apology. Though still hurt, I accepted the apology then and there and I did feel better myself. But it would take time to let go because whatever occurred is still fresh but slowly fading and I can't force myself to pretend that everything is OK although I know it will be OK again.

What's reiterated recently too is that life is to short to hold grudges and be angry. We should not take it for granted that there is always tomorrow to mend things but we should mend things yesterday. Not forgetting to live life to the fullest but with limits and boundaries.

Dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening, love like you've never been hurt and live like heaven is on earth.

Memorably Mine

There are certain events that happen in life that's accompanied by a song. When you had your first kiss, if there was a song, what was the song that was playing? I know mine :). I think many of us have break up songs, a certain song that comforts or saddens during those hard times. I had mine. Music helps us celebrate and feel a certain emotion. It helps us cry when we can't, lightens our troubled mind, calms us when we're disturbed and inspires us when we need inspiration.

I was just listening to 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?' by the legendary Elvis Presley and one of my favourite artists of all time. I had a flashback of a certain memory. It happened when I was about 9 years old when dad called my mum from the public phone to inform that his car broke down. It was not common for someone to have a mobile phone then. I remember it was raining cats and dogs with thunder. A few hours later he was not back and I was beginning to get worried. We looked out of the window when we heard a car pass by but it seemed not to be him all the time. When he finally appeared, this song played and he stepped in the house soaking wet and I gave him my tightest hug.

When I broke up with my first love, I was 16 then and I kept pretending that I was fine and kept a lot to myself. I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me cos I thought it would be harder. A good friend of mine called me when he learned of the break up to check on me. I refused to let him know I was not OK and I felt even vulnerable when he actually showed that he cared. Eventually, he told me to just listen to a song that he was gonna play on the piano for me and I obliged. The moment he played 'The Power of You Love', there were tears streaming down my face. That was the sweetest thing he has done for me cos I felt better after that.

Then there was this particular song my late uncle used to play on his black record. I was staying with his family in the army base and 5 of us cousins shared a room. So being an army man, he had rules on lights off and we will all lie down on our beds and talk and sing to the songs that he played. So the song went like "Last night, I heard my mama singing a song Ooh-We, Chirpy, Chirpy, Cheep, Cheep" and my cousin mistaken "Chirpy, Chirpy, Cheep, Cheep" for "Stupid, stupid, stupid". Being 5 years old, my sis and I sang along as "stupid, stupid" until one of my cousins stopped laughing and told us the exact words. It was pretty fun, us singing along in the dark.

Those memories accompanied by songs whether it's a sad one or a happy one just makes those moments more unforgettable and everytime you listen to those songs, you will always be reminded of those moments. Keep those songs close to your heart cos someday you may really need to listen to it once again. It is what your feelings sounds like...

Middle of Nowhere

Sometimes when someone yells at you, it just pisses you off like hell but you know the right choice is to shut up, keep your cool and just let them yell their heart out and let the noise enter one ear, past the cochlea, ear drums and what not and let it come out in another ear. By that time, your ears would have been numbed.

I thought that was best but I got yelled at for the lack of reaction too. Well, I've concluded that sometimes if someone finds you wrong, whatever you do it's gonna be wrong. At times, you can never be right, it's like you go through a string of wrongs with a certain person and it makes things awkward especially one day you're laughing with the person and the next it's the opposite.

I hope someday things get better because I just feel sad that it happens and it hurts at times when the words play back in your mind and sometimes you tend to get caught up in those accusations that you feel like a total crap.

I hate the thought of never able to be right with this and I just don't want to be around but running away would mean that I'm not facing those problems. Hoping someday it'll get better...

Cheers!

I'm kinda tipsy at this very moment. Had fun night at Waikikis with my buddies... Listened to Acoustica, danced like no one's looking and it rained... It rained, but we did not hesitate to run in the rain. It's still raining! I love playing in the rain, it brings back memories...

It's hard to type right when you're tipsy... To type this blog out, the backspace suffered...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

By Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE …

enough money within her control to move out

and rent a place of her own,

even if she never wants to or needs to …

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

something perfect to wear if the employer,

or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

a youth she’s content to leave behind…

a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to

re-telling it in her old age…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

one friend who always makes her laugh

and one who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

a good piece of furniture not previously owned

by anyone else in her family

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems,

and a recipe for a meal.

that will make her guests feel honored…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

a feeling of control over her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to quit a job,

break up with a lover,

and confront a friend without;

ruining the friendship…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

when to try harder..

and WHEN TO WALK AWAY…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that she can’t change the length of her calves,

the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

that her childhood may not have been perfect… but it’s over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

what she would or wouldn’t do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

whom she can trust,

whom she can’t,

and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

where to go…

be it to her best friend’s kitchen table…

or a charming Inn in the woods…

when her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…

why she can and can’t accomplish in a day…

a month… or a year…

Amigos Para Siempre

My schooling life was an awesome one... The friends I got in trouble with are the very same friends that I see almost every day and sometimes I just wonder how in the world that I can spend so much of time with them yet go back home feeling that my time spent was worthwhile.

I smile to myself sometimes remembering some of the episodes that took place. Like there was once we vandalised the newly painted KHB class tables with our names. How stupid right? Obviously the teacher would know who the culprit was. So during BM class after that, we were interrupted by a student who was the messenger for our KHB teacher asking us to go to the KHB class “sekarang!” After being lectured from the teacher, we had to use Axion to scrub the ink off while a class was going on. EMBARASSING but we were snickering the whole way. That was not enough, after recess, we assembled as usual at the Tapak Perhimpunan and there comes the short discipline teacher with the cane pointing at the four of us saying, “1,2,3,4... ikut saya” and there was a chorus of “Whoah...” from the students. No guessing what came next in the Teacher’s Room...

Another incident was when we got locked out of the Library where Moral class was being held cos we were few inches away late from the student in front of us. OK, this particular teacher seemed to hate us for some reason so justifying that we were just behind the last student would not help. So there we were, bitching and cursing and what did we do? We decided to take out our deck of cards which I don’t remember how or why in the first place we had it as it could cause a suspension. Anyway we started playing some card games and made a hell lot of noise outside the library. Then the door opens and a fellow classmate said “Cikgu Chee asked y’all to shut up! Sorry but that’s her exact words and y’all are lucky y’all are not inside cos she’s nagging at us now”. So, we toned down and continued to play our game and who passes by? Dhana and Ryan who were skipping class and they joined our game. You know what they say... The more the merrier.

We were pretty naughty, skipped school countless times and had to run between lorongs so that we don’t get caught. I had a BF at that time who was also my classmate and we would also skip school together. Worst is he was a teacher’s son and a prefect which later on he got fired (but not thanks to me). Of course, the Teacher’s Room was filled with nice gossips that I myself manage to overhear. Along that you hear stories of other students. Well, teachers are human, so what the hell, let them have some fun with gossips.

We got into tons of trouble. The amount of times we were punished like walking barefooted the whole day at school that we had to borrow shoes from classmates to go to the toilet. Of course, we also had to clean the toilet (and you know how school toilets are) with the rest of the class for having the dirtiest class. Tons of caning and my parents had to even come to school for the collective troubles Vanessa and I did/caused. Good god, my poor parents suffered embarrassment when the teachers got together and rattled about us finishing each other’s sentences. The long silent treatment came thereafter and I’m pretty sure a hesitation to put us up for adoption.

I think back and I can’t believe sometimes how irresponsible, selfish (in a way) and daring we were. How we would go to great lengths to not give a damn. Sometimes we would even joke saying that our kids should never mix and that we would always be able to tell if our kids were up to no good.

We have all have passed that phase of teenagerhood and now we have fun in different spontaneous ways, as always, together with more girls. To you girls related to these stories... Vanessa, Punesh and Rupa, we have come a long way haven’t we? A lot changed but a lot remained. To the boys, who were our enemies at first (although some of them had a crush on 4 us), who laughed from the next block when we had to stand on chairs and even at times tables, who threw eggs at us... you guys are awesome!

Funny thing is I can count the number of people who has my blog address but I shall leave this as a hidden story that will always be a part of me and who I am.

Don't Touch It!

Sometimes I wished I actually cared about myself more. There are certain things I would like to change about myself but the fear of disappointing myself and others seems to play in my mind that it overshadows the very main reason why I should change.

I feel like I have a lot at stake and that’s firstly the reason why I just hesitate to make a step. It’s not easy for me to say this but maybe admitting it is the first step. My addiction has been a battle for years. There you go! Typing the sentence itself disgusts me.

I regret the very day I felt so depress and thought of a form of relief that later turned out to be an addiction. Stupid me! I only have myself to blame. The reasons I started in the first place disappeared but the addiction continued.

I have stopped and got back into it and saw faces of disappointment. The look you get makes it so hard to face the person you disappointed that you just don’t want to go through it again. What if it comes back to tempt you and you fall back into it. Then what? Make up excuses when you know you were weak at that point?

Seriously, I don’t even know how to end it. Perhaps it’s been too long...