Tug-of-War

You get into a push and pull situation wondering where’d you end up. You contemplate sometimes for a while or you don’t think twice. There’s temptation to move to one side and then there’s the other side that makes you suppress. It’s bad and good, it’s a risk and discovery as oppose to stagnancy and obliviousness.

There’s a price you pay especially for one of the choices. Choose carefully

A mentor?

Before I met Mr. Raja to speak to him for the first time, I found out he used to refer to me as that ‘thin and tall girl’. My colleague who was a legal personnel resigned and because the company required us to multi-task, her scope of work was passed on to me. She graduated in Legal studies while I, in comparison only studied 4 semesters of corporate law under my course. We cited pretty lame 18th century cases to reason out legal scenarios in exams.

I recall Mr. Raja telling me “If you choose to learn, you can learn a lot from me and if you don’t want to put any effort, I will give your job scope to someone else”… *gulp*, what’s with the unnecessary straight forward remark? He doesn’t know me at all and plus it was not like I was dying for another job scope since I am already reporting to 2 bosses and now him? Well, whatever I thought.

Then he goes into briefing me on a bunch of legal cases to clean up that was left unattended for some time and I was dreading having to work on it as I was at that time heavily engaged with some other tasks that was urgent. Since I didn’t have time, I kind of avoided him for a few days til I had no choice but to see him hardly prepared. Obviously he was annoyed and I thought alright, by hook or by crook I have to get his work done because “if your work is not done then I am not on top of it and it makes me nervous”. I finally completed it to the way he wanted it after a few revision and he was pleased. It was only then, he warmed up and our work discussion would go into some other topics and occasionally he would offer advices. Being in his 60s, I knew and was told that he had vast experience.

At times, during discussions he would be busy typing out an email and you can catch him scolding his PC for not working the way he wants it to work. Then he goes “Ahhh… Now it’s listening to me after I scolded it”. And if he corrects my drafted letter, he would go like “Tell me what’s so great about their offer (of settlement) that you had to put a capital ‘O’?” (Sometimes the ‘offer’ would have to be with a capital ‘O’ depending on the meaning of the sentence but in this case I got it wrong). I would leave his room amused at his remarks even though he nit picked on my work.

Recently during one of our discussion, I enquired further about his career and found out that he was a former Industrial Court Chairman and judge. I felt like a fool for not knowing earlier and wondered why my ex-colleague left out that piece of information or did she even know? He shared his story…

He loved his job with a passion. He spoke about the start of his career, his studies, the people he knew and met. Being a minority race, he went through discrimination where he could not get to a certain post as they had to award it to a Bumiputera person. When he finally became the Chairman and judge of the industrial court, he had to accept a 70% pay cut but he accepted it because he told me simply, “It was my passion”. He enjoyed writing judgments so much that he forgot to have his dinner at times.

What he loved had its down side. His family hated his job because the reporters would pick up news over small things with an “it was believed that so and so is the son-in-law to a well known judge” and he also became a recluse as the profession did require certain code of conduct and people do keep a distance when you are a judge. But he didn’t mind it.

At the end he said “There’s so much I can peak and there will be a point it’s time you go down, I cannot go on peaking. But today, judges in Sri Lanka and Singapore do use my judgment and awards as a citation”. He chose to retire from the post and the job he loved so much at his prime. I admired his dedication and sincerity towards his work. Even though he is relatively new, he has made obvious and positive changes for the company. MD once said at a staff briefing, “Don’t go to Mr. Raja for this and that… he is nice but I’m not”. I guess Mr. Raja, is always for the employees and our MD will continue to be a tough man.

Mr. Raja allowed me to read his only copy of carefully compiled newspaper articles on his judgments and awards. His explanation made a lot of sense and I told him what I thought and he excitedly offered to let me read his awards next week. I guess the former Yang-Arif has a lot to be proud of but yet he is so humble and sincere. It’s definitely a person to look up to and learn as much as you can. I’m privileged…

Teoh haunts Plaza Masalam… literally

In Malaysia Today, there was a headline saying “Teoh haunts Plaza Masalam… literally”

Three guards of the building shared their encounter on their experience of ‘bumping’ into TBH’s spirit. Plaza Masalam is pretty close to home and my friends and I lepak pretty a lot at that area to yum cha and catch up.

I still can’t accept although I’m already immune to it, that I live in a country so corrupt and sinful. I choose not to compare to other worst countries because a country is its own entity and why worry too much about other country when we have too much to think of our own?

Here in Bolehland, the top dudes literally get away with murder. They are like cats covering up their poo after they have done their big business. They later get an expert of PR team to come up with ideologies to sway the people so that they forget. We’re living in a system where rules can be bent and the rules extra persecute those whoever they choose to. “Look here, I’m gonna throw you in jail, I’ll explain later”, probably is what the top police would tell.

Yeah, so, according to the basic legal theory… One is innocent until proven guilty. But here, basic human rights can be ignored that they close both eyes and not one. It’s selective.

I love my country but not the government, not the system. I love the culture, the food and the history. If our fore fathers who fought hard for our country are looking at the condition of Bolehland, they definitely would be turning in their graves. Their legacy have been insulted, their sweat and tears fighting so hard had been taken for granted so easily. Why not just spit on their graves?

Every White Will Have Its Black

When we’re hit with depression, it’s never easy to come out of it. It’s like a dark place and we feel like no one understands. We spend time alone agonizing over unexplained details and try to comprehend the outcome. For me, I would throw myself into work and leave the office close to midnight just to tire myself to glory so that it’s easier to fall asleep. We have our ways of coping with depression. Sometimes, we even wish we did not have to wake up from a struggle to slumber just so we don’t have to feel the ache of reality.

But a fact is a fact. Life has to go on, you have no choice! It’s harsh but reality can be harsh at times. I personally feel it’s good to keep yourself busy with activities. Take up a new hobby or find a new interest and try something new. You never know you might turn out to be good in those stuff and find passion in it. Then you have things to look forward to. Keep your friends close to you, they will definitely help in some ways cos they would hate to see you go through pain.

Never wallow in self pity. Cry if you need to as it’s one of the avenues but be reminded that it’s a phase and it can’t go on. Another thing I wouldn’t do is to listen to sad songs. Then again, even when I’m happy I hated listening to sad songs. Sad songs most of the time have sad tone to it, it affects ones mood. I try and listen to happy songs or whatever song as long as it’s not a sad one or a slow number. Oh yes, I don’t watch sad movies too. At least not during those times and in normal days, it would depend on the plot. Comedies probably would help a lot as laughter is the best medicine.

Keep a close relationship with God. It’s so important. He doesn’t judge and speaking to him somehow helps. He’s a father, friend and brother and should not be forgotten in good times and in bad. During the good times, it’s important to thank Him for the blessings we have. I don’t have a lot of things but what I know is I’m blessed and during those sad times, I somehow still feel lucky cos I have so much compared to others. What about the people who are truly suffering and can’t do anything about it because it is beyond their control. When I look at it, I just tell myself I can’t complain much.

Be aware that at your lowest, you are also vulnerable and are prone to making bad decisions. I might sound paranoid but people do often make mistakes at these times and I have fallen prey to it. If we are aware that our state of mind can contribute to more problems then we are one step ahead of avoiding it. Surround yourself with the people who care most for you as they can help be your mind for a while when your own one fails on you. The mind is like a machine that can fail…

If it doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger. It’s true! Coping with sadness is easier said than done and I’m still young to say too much cos I will have more good and bad in time to come. But I dare say, whatever bad that has happened has made me wiser and stronger in person. You will come to a point where you view your past as a 3rd party to the whole situation and sometimes it only strikes you much later but it’s always a learning experience. You tend to laugh at the idiot you were or curse at person you were.

Love yourself before you can love others but don’t be in love with yourself. Love is the most basic need any human would long for and what a better way to start by loving yourself? It’s not selfish to love yourself first and it’s not easy to love yourself as much as you should because we can be our biggest enemy.

Last but not least… have confidence in yourself. No one I knew died of heartache and if you ask around, no one went through life without heartache and depression. Time will heal, the wound will close its gap and the scars are lessons we can learn from.